


i know better than to call you mine

by rainbow_porcupine_ninja



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Drabble, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Jim is internally insecure ok, M/M, Spock is a sweetheart, THEYRE IN LOVE.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:07:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26714950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbow_porcupine_ninja/pseuds/rainbow_porcupine_ninja
Summary: Jim’s having a bit of an internalised freak-out. Spock helps him through it. They’re in love.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 18
Kudos: 105





	i know better than to call you mine

The thought comes to him late one evening as he’s watching Spock’s daily meditation rituals. Jim almost interrupts him before he remembers how much Spock hates it when he does that— so he sits on his hands and ruminates.

Spock has never seemed to find Jim boring before; he always listens to what Jim has to say, even when he’s completely wrong. He always sits with Jim through tiresome paperwork and uncomfortable meetings that he really doesn’t have to come along to.

But then Spock also goes quiet for long, random periods of time. Early mornings. Some of their chess games. When Jim’s ranting about stupid shit late at night, Spock just sits there and looks at him with that same calm expression.

Jim sometimes feels like a waste of space. When Jim rests on Spock’s chest at night, the joined beating of their hearts is like a ticking clock, counting down the days. And he knows, he’s always been paranoid in relationships but this is different… 

Because it feels so much more important. Jim doesn’t want time to run out for them; these questions are always running through his mind like  _ what if we don’t stay together? How can I be good enough for you, so that you don’t ever leave me _ ?

“Ashayam,” Spock says eventually in the middle of one of their chess games in their private quarters. Jim blinks, a couple of times, and Spock brings him back down to his gentle gaze once more.

“Something wrong, Spock?” Jim asks, rubbing at the corners of his eyes.

Spock’s still staring at him with a weird expression on his face. Jim braces himself for what comes next, gripping the seat of the chair in an attempt to stop shaking. God, he’s so helpless.

“You seem more fatigued than usual,” Spock answers eventually. “It’s been your turn for the last three minutes and roughly twenty seconds. Is there anything you would wish to discuss with me?” 

Fuck, Jim curses to himself. Spock’s noticed his sleeplessness, of course he has, he shouldn’t have to put up with someone like him.

He meets Spock’s gentle, concerned gaze eventually. “I just… have a lot on my mind, Spock,” he murmurs, attempting a genuine smile.

Spock’s lips move up with the faintest trace of a smile. “You always do, my love. But the past few weeks there is clearly something on your mind that is of importance to you. I have not wished to pry in order to not upset you, but I feel as though this is now affecting you physically as well as emotionally. Do you wish to share it with me?”

Jim lets out a loose, shaky breath as their legs tangle under the table.

“Am I boring you?”

It comes out all in a rush, heat flooding to his face like he’s some  _ schoolgirl, _ but Spock just leans forward, a look of mild concern on his face.

“What could you possibly mean, Jim?” Spock’s tone isn’t accusatory, or guilty. Just one of worry and empathy.

Jim shrugs in response. “I just… find it hard to believe that you really want to be in this, well, this  _ relationship _ , with me. I’m not logical, or peaceful, or Vulcan for that matter.”

“Jim, have I given you any doubt of my affection for you?” Spock reaches over the table to brush their fingers together lightly. “It does not matter that you do not possess the qualities that you just described— I am not searching to love another replica of myself. You are, as a human might say, perfect for me in the sense that we balance each other out. Is there anything I have done to convince you otherwise?”

Jim smiles, almost sadly. “Oh, Spock, I’m sorry if I distressed you. No, you haven’t done anything.”

He brings his two fingers up to meet Spock’s, and he feels his anxiety seep away with Spock’s touch.

“I just… I think too much, is my problem. I don’t want to mess this up, because I care about you so much. You know that. I’m just too ‘in my head’, that’s all.”

Spock looks interested by that statement. “Normally I would point out the illogicality in the statement ‘in your head’, but it is actually quite fitting for the scenario that we find ourselves in.”

Jim presses his lips together, then breathes in, out, as their joined hands wash away his bitterness. “Join me in bed, love?” he says after a while. “I’m not really in the mood for chess. I just want to hug you.”

They go to stand, and before Jim can turn around, Spock’s crowding in and wrapping his lean arms around Jim’s torso. 

Jim smiles, reciprocating the action. “Thank you, Spock.”

“There is no need to thank me, ashayam,” his first officer replies. “To thank me would imply that you owe something to me, which of course you do not. We love each other, am I not correct?”

They hold tight to each other for a couple moments longer. “You’re right, of course you are,” Jim laughs, sorrow swooping in. “I… should have voiced this sooner.”

Spock’s hands are soothing at his back, rubbing patterns into Jim’s skin. “Come along to bed, my love. I wish to hold you, and calm your racing heart even more.”

And Jim does, but not before they breathe each other in for a few more moments. The back of Spock’s neck is soft like home and Jim begins to surface those cool depths once more. 

**Author's Note:**

> “oh wow,” you might say. “sounds like you’re really going through it.”
> 
> mind your own business. :)
> 
> Comments and kudos heal my sorrowful heart and are greatly appreciated LOVE YOU ALL


End file.
